A train, a boy, a walkmen and a journey
by Goon Du the Newbie
Summary: There was a train and only a single passenger on board. It stopped at every station, at every memory in his life. This is the slices of life of Shinji Ikari. Second slice: Denial and Guilt.
1. Decision

Disclaimer: I do not own Eva. Sadly, Eva owns me.

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Shinji Ikari never had any preference in life. Likewise, he did not dislike anything at all.

He just did things for the sake of people.

He went to school because Misato and everyone told him too and thus, he went.

He cooked because he felt that Misato coud not cook up a proper meal and that Asuka never liked cooking. Thus, he took up the task as he was the only one capable of doing it.

He piloted Eva because he was told to do so. He wanted to be well-liked, he craved for the affection that was depreived ever since he was young.

By piloting Eva, he instilled a sense of existance.

By piloting Eva, he felt a sense of identification.

By piloting Eva, he felt a sense of satisfaction, piloting to save, piloting for praise.

What's wrong with it?

_Now that Eva was gone, what am I going to do?_

That was the thought that haunted Shinji's mind as he stared at the night sky. It was few hours after the dreaded Third Impact, and there on the beach of the crimson sea, lay the one boy who was responsible of saving individuality.

_What am I going to do?_

He sat there and reflect. Now that Eva was gone, father was gone, his teacher was gone, how was he going to survive? How was he going to carry his life?

_I don't know. I don't know what am I going to do._

Shinji was perplexed and confused. He felt his hands clenching and unclenching. He felt the throbbing pain in his head, the sense of fear slowly creeping in his vein.

_Help me. Help me, anyone! Help me, Asuka, Misato, Touji, Kensuke, Kaji, Miss Akagi, father, mother!_

His instincts told him to abandoned this forsaken place and run away. **Run Shinji, run! **The instinct whispered softly, urgency evident in its tone.

_Run away? No, I musn't do that. I musn't run away. I musn't run away._

**Why? If you don't, you will feel pain and you hate it, don't you?**

Shinji widened his eyes. Not from fear, but from realisation.

_Yes, I hate pain, I fear it. But I must live with it, I must cherish it. _

**Why?**

"Because love is pain, living is pain and to live is to change afterall." Shinji mumbled aloud, his lips curving slightly into a sad smile. _That's the basic principle of life because by feeling pain, I would be happy. _

**And that's the most beautiful thing about life?**

_Yes. Afterall, this is now my heaven, not hell._

So thus, under the night sky, young Ikari made a decision. He did not know what to do, neither he had any idea of his life ahead of him. However, he would continue to live, continue in the search of himself, in serach of others and to feel pain again.

It's worth it. Shinji thought, as he closed his eyes to sleep.

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P.A.R (Post author rants):

For those that are reading it in the first time, I welcome you to the worse and the most dull fanfiction in the world wide web. Slices of Life has only twp purposes, and that is to help to get my characterisation of the characters straight and also to exploit personality of the characters without making them out of character.

Hopefully, this is a bit more uplifting than my previous installment. Seriously, I really need to get out of the teenage angst phase, it is starting to irritate me. No, correction: _frustrate _me.

By the way, you could see that I did not include Asuka in. That is because I can't find any place to insert her in the story. So I apologised for that.

Well, onto the story. Reading it, I felt that I just broke the key-rules of wrtting fiction and fanfiction:

Thou shalt show, not tell.

Thou shalt not go 'out of character'

And finally the most important rule of all:

Thou shalt not write crappy fictions. Period.

_Go, Goon Du._

Lastly, feel free to review . Remember: A review a day, keeps the author's misery at bay!

Until next time?


	2. Denial and Guilt

Disclaimer: Nope. Do not own Eva. Not at all.

Pre-note: Story took place in an alternate universe. Disturbing themes ahead?

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Third Impact. The tragedy that everyone dreaded. The end of makind, lamented the officals. The divine intervention of mankind's sin against God, the religious zealot claimed.

Unfortunately, it was triggered by the organisation which sole purpose was ironically, to prevent the Third Impact from happening.

Fortunately, it was diverted, cancelled and rejected for reasons unknown. However, the price was heavy, only a few handful of people managed to crawl back from their promidal womb and now although more were predicted to return, the numbers were thining due to disease and the lack of food and clean water.

One of those struggling survivors was Shinji Ikari.

In Tokyo-2 Central Park, Shinji would stroll in it every sunday, wandering aimlessly while his eyes, despite being post Third Impact, would appreciate the scenary: the towering skyscrapers being entwined and infested with the lush of greens; a sign that humanity's golden moments had passed and gone with time.

However, today was different; his feet had brought to him to the place where he never dreamed of going: The Third Impact Memorial.

Unlike the Second Impact Memorial, the Third Impact Memorial was to serve as a rememberance for those who had died vainly for the sake of Third Impact, rememberance to those that had been manipulated and killed for after they had fulfiled their purpose.

Unknowingly, Shinji walked into the memorial and stopped at a cross. He knew among the many crosses which dominated the memorial, some of them held very close to his heart:

_Ryouji Kaji._

_Ritsuko Akagi._

_Misato Katsuragi._

The next name struck a cord in his heart as he unconsciously clenched and unclenched his fists.

_Touji Suzuhara_

Immediately, he muttered, "It's not my fault, damnit, it's not my fault, it's not my fault, it was the Angel's fault. Yes, the Angel's fault, it forced me to kill Touji!"

As if to correct him, his mind began to replay the carnage that had plagued Shinji's mind since then.

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_23rd of August 2015._

"Shinji, why don't you fight back?" the figure, otherwise known as Gendo Ikari, demanded, his tone shook with authority.

"But, but, the pilot," Shinji struggled to voice his protest. His throat clenching from the feedback of the Eva. His vision started to blur and his lungs burned for oxygen. A familiar sense of state started to grow in him, crippling his movement, sending adrenaline in his vein.

"You will die Shinji. Die if you don't fight back." Gendo replied, his tone, grave, firm and cold. The whole command center could look helplessly as the 13th Angel spared no mercy onto giving its divine punishment onto Eva 01.

Shinji widened his eye as the word 'Die' assualted his mind. The similar feeling grew rapidly, slowly awakening the primal instinct in him, corroding his rational thoughts and conscience. Like a whirlwind, his mind was in turmoil, an intense battle was going on.

**Kill or be killed? **A voice in him whispered urgently.

_I..._

**Kill or be killed? **The voice repeated.

_I..._

Shinji stared in the eyes of Eva 03, those eyes that burned with malice and sadism, those eyes that bore no soul, no humanity and no remorse. It paralyzed Shinji, instilling helplessness into the young Ikari. Finally, Shinji admitted this feeling, it was fear. The fear of death.

**KILL OR BE KILLED? **The voice increased in intensity.

_I...I...I..._

**MAKE YOUR CHOICE!**

_KILL!_

Finally, Shinji opened the gate and unleashed his primal beast. Survival instincts took over and gradually Shinji willed the Eva's arms. Unsteady and awkward in movement, Eva 01 raised his hands towards the neck of Eva 03. In his mind there was only one intention, one sentence motivating him:

_"I don't want to die, kill, I don't want to die, kill, I don't want to die, KILL!"_

With a final effort, Shinji willed his Eva to flung the arm and close the distance between them and grab the throat of Eva 03.

_"I don't want to die, kill, I don't want to die, kill, I don't want to die, kill."_

Without hesitation, Eva 01 tightened its hands and applied force on Eva 03's neck. The 13th Angel seemingly registering the change of events, tightened his grips on Eva 01's neck, hoping to give it a quick death.

In the entry plug, the lone pilot did not seem to mind the pain, adrenaline had already numbed it, his vision was blind, his mind was in a sheet of black, with only one sentence in the void:

_"KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL!"_

With that resolve, Shinji willed his Eva to tighten the grips tenfold and he roared. Eva 01 roared.

_"KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL, **KILL!**"_

_CRACK_

Eva 03's neck finally snapped with a sickening crack. Blood splurted from the crushed flesh, bone and armour, as the grip lightened on Eva 01's throat and evenually slided off to rest by its side. At NERV, the whole command center heaved a sigh of relief, the ordeal was finally over, the 13th Angel was dead.

However, the battle was not over for young Shinji as irrationality, fear and his primal beast still lingered within the bowels of mind.

_"KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL." _They whispered towards the tormented boy, their intent trickled with the stream of malice and sadism.

Thus, still taking the silent Eva by its hand, Eva 01 slammed it down onto the town, pulverising roads, pavements, buildings, concrete, bitumen, plastic and oil under the sheer weight of Eva 03.

_"Kill."_

Kneeling, Eva 01 used its fist and punched the head of Eva 03. Upon contact, the sheer force crushed into its skull. Forcing waves and tides of blood to hit against the concrete shores.

_"Kill"_

Next, Eva 01 then proceeded to take an arm of Eva 03 and pulled it, muscles and armour protested, however, Eva 01 did not heed, instead it exerted more force and eventually, muscle by muscle, bone by bone, armour by armour, the arm was ripped off. Shortly, the remaining arm was ripped off via same method.

_"Kill."_

Disposing both of the arms to near by hills, Eva 01 shortly moved to the chest and pulled the armour seperating the flesh and its bloodied hands. The arm of Eva 01 quivered with resistance and anticipation of the gore that soon to come. With a final pull, both of the chest component gave way to the immense force and was sent crashing against the building, glasses shattered, concrete crushed, metal framwork twisted inhumanly from impact. From there on, Eva 01 began to dig, like an animal, a beast.

_"Kill"_

Shinji's sole attention was on the butchery that was unfolding literally in front of him. He did not hear or heed the protests of the technicians, calling him to stop it, neither had he seen Maya Ibuki vomitting nor had he noticed his internal battery was running. Shinji was not even aware of the grin that was starting to creep on his face.

Meanwhile im NERV, Makoto looked up to the commander and stuttered, "Sir, we have stopped supplying power to Eva 01."

"Eva 01 is running on internal battery." Aoba stammered, not daring to face the carnage.

"Whatever had happened to you, Shinji?" Makoto muttered still glued to the butchery in front of him.

Finally the digging stopped

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"No!" Shinji muttered as he snapped away from the memory. Shaking his head as if to shook off all the residues of the memory, he stared at the tombstone in front of him, tears welling up in his eye.

Suzuhara Touji

2001 - 2015

"It's, it's," Shinji stammered, "not my fault. Not my fault! The Angel forced me to kill him. It forced me to kill him!"

In his mind, he could see and hear the various bits of conversation that added weight on his guilt, doubts on his denial.

_"The lifesign of Eva 03 pilot was still active after the neck snapped." A technician whispered to another as they eyed the pilot of Eva 01 climbing down, handcuffed by Section 02._

Shinji shut his eyes tightly, trying to force the memory down to his sub-conscious. "It's not my fault not my fault!" he pleaded, his voice light and heavily laden with guilt.

_"What a horrible boy," a female nurse whispered, pointing towards the pilot of Eva 01, as he was heavily handcuffed and brought along by the section 02. They were marching towards the commander office._

_"Why?" another nurse asked, her face filled with pity and concern._

_"He continues to attack the Eva despite confirmation that the Angel is dead. Heard that the poor boy in Eva 03 is still alive even after that Eva 01 pilot ripped through everything."_

"Is it, is it not my fault that Touji is killed?" Shinji asked, confused and afraid. "No, is not. Is not! If not for the Angel, then I wouldn't kill Touji. Is not my fucking fault!" Denial settled in again as Shinji hid back within his shell.

_"Pilot dead. Time: 1734. Let's pack up and go, there's nothing much to do here already, the clean up crew will clear this...mess."_

_Another scene._

_"Why do you still attack him Shinji, why?"_

_Another scene._

_"Ikari, I will never forgive you. Ever." her voice was cold and devoid of any emotion except for hatred._

Shinji held on the tombstone for support. The wood was moist and cool in his palm, yet, the boy felt no comfort from it. Instead it felt like reality, uncomfortable and cold. Tears now started to flow free down his cheek, it danced erratically downward with no restriction.

_"Your fault. Your mistake. How coud you? How could you?" _

Various voices of different people raised in his mind, haunting Shinji, tormenting his fragile mind. Shinji clung to his head, as he tried to swat off the accusation.

"Stop it, please stop it!" Shinji pleaded, tears streaming down.

_"I won't forgive you. What a horrible boy. Guilty. Sinned. Fault. Loss of control. Irrational. Impulsive. Murderer. I hate you."_

"No, please. No more of this." Shinji whined as he settled onto the ground. The grass, mud and dried leaves striking no feelings into Shinji.

_"Pleasure."_

Shinji widened his eyes in realisation, however, denial set in and pushed it all the way as irrational accusation.

"No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. NO!" Shinji whispered, "I'm not a murderer, I don't like to kill!"

With that, Shinji stood up abruptly and ran and he ran as fast as he could. Tears still streamed down from his eyes, while muttering, "It's not my fault, it's not my fault, it's not my fault,"

So he ran, ignoring the scarce populace of Tokyo-2, ignoring their stares, ignoring his thoughts, ignoring reality and ignoring the truth.

_"Help me, help me anyone. HELP ME!"_

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Post Author Rant:

Oh. My. God.

This is the longest chapter I've done. 7 freakin' hours. Can you believe, 7 freakin' hours for a story this short...God help me, or not reward me with a holy review that can pin-point all my flaws in my writting.

Well, I hope that you like Shinji portrayed in this chapter. Yes, I'm well aware is OOC, however, before you flame me to oblivion please hear the pleas from the minority (Which consists of me only).

Now, as you know, Shinji is portrayed as a sadist, impulsive, a person in denial and pathetic. Thus allow me to defend myself.

Sadistic Shinji is shown only two times on the whole of Eva timeline, if I remember correctly, one time during the fight with 14th Angel, the other when he stranggled Asuka duing EoE. It seems that he only grins like a maniac whenever something threatens him, and he is killing the threat. Mind you, that does not mean Shinji is a sadist, the fact that in the whole series it is so rare that Shinji grinned like a maniac, means that this is just a very tiny part of his personality. In fact, each and every one of us has a mini-sadist in us, methink.

Impulsive Shinji is quite self-explainatory, imagine a person that is going to die, or when another person is attacking him, his mind will switched to the 'fight or flight' mode. Shinji is in the same position and just choose to fight.

Shinji in denial is not normal, in fact he is always in denial throughout the whole series, running away and such. In fact, it was the Angel who forced him to kill Eva 03. Thus, it's quite reasonable to Shinji to deny everything. Think about the manga version, Touji was killed and Shinji blamed his father instead, which sadly was correct.

Well, here's my defense on this case. I know that I'm treading on thin ice, but I guess the most important thing here is to make mistake and learn from it, thus I looked foward to the replies...

To my reviewers: Thank you very much, I hope that the Shinji here does not sound too OOC and I hope that I do my fair share of showing instead of telling.

Okay then, start up your criticism engine and desconstruct me like lego blocks. :P


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